Thursday, December 4, 2008

You probably didn't know

When people ask me "How are you doing?" , I usually respond with "Good."  

Don't we all?  

Well, this is what is behind the "good". 

I am lonely.  I went from 40 hours of non stop interaction at Banana, to hanging out with someone usually every other day or so, but mostly just being with Annerson alone at  the house.  I hate it when Lex has to leave the house to go to work, school or to go study.  

Along the same lines, I am desperate for fellowship and community.  I miss being involved in Challenge.  For 4 years my world was filled with 2 Bible study meetings a week.  I always had a group of college students in my home at least once a week.  It's amazing how much life can fill your home when a Bible study takes place there.  Lex & I haven't had that in 2 years now.  He goes to a Bible study Friday mornings but I am not in one.  I feel like God is moving me to start a prayer group for all my "new mommy" friends.  There are a lot of women in Lubbock who have had babies recently and I think it'd be a good support group for us.

My mother is in a 6 month drug/alcohol treatment program in Missouri.  She entered the facility in June and she is set to get out in the next couple of weeks.  She recently failed a drug test after leaving the facility on a day pass.  We are waiting for the lab results.  This changes everything because we had hope that she was finally cleaning up and turning over a new leaf.  Now she might be right back where she started before she began treatment.  This is not the first attempt at rehab for my mom.  It is the longest she's been in a program though. 

I have a sister who is also getting treated for drug/alcohol addictions.  She is in a program in Dallas.  Many of you know Alexis.  She's the sweetest girl in the world, but she's messed around with the horrible stuff since high school.  She's now 20 years old and paying the price for it.  

I've realize that being a mom isn't always fun and easy.  I guess it's like being married. It takes a lot of work but the benefits and joys are endless.  

I worry about my milk supply everyday.  I had a breast reduction when I was 17.  The odds were against me being able to BF my children.  That was a choice I made then & I was willing to live with that choice.  But over the years I have prayed my heart out that God would work a miracle and that I could BF my children one day.  We had a rough time getting started, but Annerson & I are making it.  I always worry that I'll stop making enough or that I won't keep up with her growth.  I thank God every day, literally, and pray that if I had to start giving Annerson only formula that the time I was able to give her milk would be sufficient for her body & sufficient to give me peace about the whole thing.  I've never been "blog tagged" before, but Melissa Williams tagged me to post about a miracle the other day.  This is definitely my miracle.  

I miss Banana.  My leave of absence ends in January and I will officially no longer be an employee of Gap Inc.  It's been 7.5 years since I started working for Gap.  I love the company, the clothes, the customers & the store.  I love love love Banana.  It truly was my 2nd home.  I feel like I'm at home still when I walk in that store. I poured my heart out for my customers, boss & employees.  I miss getting to serve them, guide them, and getting to lead them.  I know I am supposed to be at home.  I've known that since I was little.  But I don't have a peace right now.  I'm not sure why.  I don't know if it's just because I'm adjusting or what.  I just miss it.  I miss the people I worked with a lot too.  I made some friendships there that I'll have for the rest of my life.  January 5th is the last day of my leave.  I am praying that I'll have complete peace about leaving by then.

I am ready to move.  Did you ever play M*A*S*H?  You know...mansion, apartment, shack, house....well I must have landed on shack one too many times.  Lex & I live in Lex's college house which could qualify as a shack to some.  His parents own some land in Wolfforth and the house sits on the land. From the outside it seriously looks like a shack.  The inside isn't as bad.  We definitely fixed it up since its former bachelor pad days.  We moved in 6 months after we got married because we could live here for free.  God called us...well me live here.  He brought me here to teach me priorities, humility & obedience.  It's been a blessing really.  We've had major financial freedom that has allowed us to pay off our cars, school loan, any other money we owed people, and give freely to God's work.  It's been so amazing not having to worry about money as a newly wed couple.  Of course now that we only have Lex's income you would think  that we would appreciate it even more, but that's not the case.  The season has come to an end.  It's time to move on.  We need to distance ourselves from his parents.  We need to have more space.  We need a bathroom that doesn't have a jacked up sewer system that always smells....I know, gross.  Did I mention that we also now live right next door to cows?  The icing on the cake was a couple of weeks ago when Lex was running around the field at 2:30am herding the 30 cows back into their pin.  They were right by our windows!  He had to call the police because the man who lives next door (the drunk cow man) is quite crazy.  He told Lex's dad that he was going to shoot whoever threw his gloves in the cow trough.  Yeah.  Didn't think it was such a good idea to knock on the door at 2 in the morning and tell him his cows were out.  

The other day Lex said he was ready to move.  I thought I was dreaming.  But he's come to that place that I came to a long time ago.  Finally.  He's ready.  I'm ready.  It's time.

And last  but not least, I miss God.  I am in a dry season.  Probably from all the junk going on around me & all the change. It's frustrating to cry out to God and hear very little in return.  It's hard to find time to cry out to God period.  Annerson demands a lot of my energy and brain power.  It's getting easier, but it's still not natural to do the things required to be a good mommy.  So I find myself drained so often.  Not having much left over to put into quiet times, prayer times, etc.  When I do, I feel so tired & rushed. 

So there it is.  That's the "real me, ugly junk" behind the "good".  The stuff you probably didnt' know.  It's not all pretty like I'd like it to be.  But it's life.  It's where God is moving, breaking, digging around, shaping and molding me to be more like Him. Praise Him for that.  I know Lex & I are right where we are supposed to be.  We are waiting on a lot of things.  Praying for a lot of things.  Mostly though, I want to be content right where God has me.  If I die tomorrow I want to know that I am satisfied in the Lord. I want to know that each day counted for His glory, my family & the Kingdom of God.  

Please don't read this and think that I am ungrateful.  Blessings fall all around me.  In fact, everything I described above is a blessing in a way.  I walk in complete freedom knowing that God's grace is sufficient &  His provisions are bountiful.  But there are seasons in our lives that are harder than others and I am in the middle of one.  My heart is searching for understanding and purpose.  I am steadfast and faithful and preaching the power of the cross to myself as a reminder of His goodness.

"Why are you downcast , O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, 
my Savior and my God."  Ps. 42:5


Lex said...

I love you with the deepest areas of my heart. It is a privilege to have a wife like you. Reckless abandon characterizes your life....for God, for me, for our daughter, for your friends. You forsake yourself so often for me. I am indebted. I pray for unity with the body, for peace of the Spirit, and for evidence of the Voice of God in your life. Please dont give are so much of my strength. Again, I love you.

apesdina said...

Thank you for being so open and honest with your heart...that is definitely one of the biggest things I love about you. I'm sorry that it is hard right now, but know that it will get better. Just remember all the things you told me last year when I was unemployed and shacking up with you guys:)...think about what you would tell me...all of God's promises...and then believe in them! I'm praying for you right now and I love you both more than you know! Oh...and move to Dallas!!

Jennifer-Colley said...

Praying for you! I've felt all those emotions at some point and still do actually. Let me know about the prayer group but I may not be able to do it during the day bc of work. would love to get together. thinking of you . Know I am here for anything.

lkalivoda said...

hi, my name is lacye, i found your blog through jennifer colley....thank you so much for being so open and honest. i have a 10 month old son, i stay at home with him, i know this is where God wants me to be for our little family; but i agree with feeling lonely. it is hard to go from working and being totally surrounded with people all day to the "quiet" of the house when you are the only one "talking" i know that the rewards are amazing, but i just wanted you to know you are defintely not alone in your feelings with adjusting to the changes of mommyhood.

Tara Mahan said...

I love you and I admire your honesty! I am so thankful to have been meeting with you for two years now. God has used you to show me what a Godly woman, wife, and now mother, looks like. Your passionate love for Christ inspires me and pushes me on a daily basis. I love you! See you tomorrow!

The Henry's said...

I know we were not very close, but I want you to know that your blog has inspired me! How very noble of you to put your emotions out there for people to read. I know and believe that God wanted you to do this, because I am another new mommy! Although I am still in school, I find myself lonely and drained and I know right now, I am also in one of those pits, searching for understanding, and having some MAJOR issues with anxiety...I know that this is where God wants us to, but its hard sometimes to see past whats going on now. You have encouraged me to dig deeper, and to never stop crying out for him! I know things will get better. Joshua is almost a year old, and I remember running into Lex in the ER when we took Joshua in when he was almost a month old, and he was so excited! You guys are amazing parents and I know, that someday, you'll be able to share this experience with Annerson, and she will be so happy her mom relates! :)

The McDons said...

O Leah. I'm sorry you are going through so much. Just remember that God will lead you down the path that you are supposed to go and you might think you know what's right but only He does. He will work everything out for you. Here for ya lady! Love ya!

steffany said...

Love you sis.
You are going to love who God is molding you into and fall even deeper in love with God when you make it through this season.

I have been through many "seasons" and with God's grace will go through many more. It's like noticing spring for the first time-like really noticing- all the buds, the change in air, the smells, you breathe it all in. I didn't notice this when I was younger. It was just a season, but the more seasons I'm privileged to live through the more I really soak it in, every detail. Even now in winter. It's cold, isolated, life seems to have gone away, but if I look out through the dead forest I see a deer, I do see life, just in a different way. The cold is not without purpose and beauty in itself.

And for my tag line,
"Does that make any sense? You know what I mean:)?"

Robin said...

Leah, I hope you know that you are not alone. I have often said that being a new mom to your first baby is the MOST isolating time of your life. There are no good reasons to get out, lots of good reasons to stay in, and lack of adult interaction gets miserably lonely.
Be encouraged. I will be praying for peace for your job, your move, your ability to feed your sweet daughter, and just in general. Many blessings to you.

The Henry's said...

Yeah it was pretty scary! I am going to school for Early Childhood Education! Have 2 more semesters left! Life just keeps happening! Leah, before you know it, Annerson will be 3 weeks shy from turning a year old! I can't believe that Joshua will be 1 on January 2nd! Wow! Time flies!! I hope that things step by step get easier for you! And me and John are right there with you guys- we are ready to move! LOL!

JennHolmes said...

Leah thanks for sharing your heart. You are such a beautiful and loving person. Your candidness is such a reflection of the wonderful and sensitive person you are. Hang in there friend. As a woman of God who is a daughter of a recovering alcoholic I can totally relate to the frustration and heartache you have while a love one is going through treatment. If you ever want to get together and talk let me know.

LezlieAndrew::Photographer said...

Miss my favorite clients! Thanks for being so open. I have been feeling quite "blue" myself lately. It always makes me feel really crappy when I hear so many moms say what a constant joy motherhood is b/c frankly I don't feel that way 100% of the time. It's always good to hear that I'm not alone. I love my sweet Ella but being a mommy is HARD WORK. Definitely the hardest job I've ever had! I'm trying to find peace and rest in our sweet Jesus and my friends have rallied around me to take me to coffee and what not so I don't just stay home everyday and fall deeper into my anti-social hole. I'll be praying for you! Love.

Lori said...

Hey Leah! I saw your blog link on facebook. I was touched by this post, and I can identify with it. It is so hard being a stay at home mommy. And if you do end up starting a mommy prayer group, let me know; I'd be happy to join. May God bless you with peace.

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